In our culture, we have a language for the emotional side of grief. We talk about sadness, anger, and acceptance. We expect tears and a heavy heart. But what we often fail to discuss, and therefore fail to normalize, is the profound physical toll that loss takes on the body.
We are surprised when we cannot think clearly, when a bone-deep exhaustion settles in that no amount of sleep can cure, or when we catch every cold that comes our way.
This physical experience of grief is not a secondary symptom; it is a direct, physiological response to trauma. The mind and body are not separate entities; they are deeply intertwined. When the heart breaks, the body breaks with it.
Understanding the physical manifestations of grief is not about intellectualizing the pain, but about offering ourselves the compassion and care we need to survive it. It is the first step in learning to tend to our whole selves in the wake of a profound loss.
The Fog of “Grief Brain”
Have you found yourself standing in the middle of a room with no idea why you are there? Have you lost your keys, forgotten appointments, or struggled to find the right word in a simple conversation? This is not a sign that you are losing your mind. It is a neurological reality known as “grief brain.”
When we experience a significant loss, our bodies are flooded with stress hormones, including cortisol. In the short term, this is a survival mechanism. But over time, prolonged exposure to high levels of cortisol can impact the prefrontal cortex and the hippocampus—the areas of our brain responsible for memory, focus, and executive function1.
This is the biological basis for the cognitive fog so many grieving people experience. Your brain is not broken; it is working overtime to process an overwhelming emotional and psychological event. It is rerouting its energy to survival, which means there is less available for everyday tasks.
Understanding this allows us to be more gentle with ourselves. Instead of self-criticism for being forgetful, we can see it as a sign that our body is navigating a monumental stressor and needs rest and patience above all else.
The Bone-Deep Exhaustion of Loss
The fatigue that accompanies grief is unlike any other tiredness. It is a heavy, leaden exhaustion that can feel as if the very gravity of the world has increased. This is not just a consequence of sleepless nights; it is a profound physiological state.
Grieving is hard work. The constant emotional processing, the mental replay of memories, and the stress of adapting to a new reality consume an enormous amount of physical and mental energy.
Our nervous system is often in a state of high alert, a “fight or flight” response that was meant for short-term crises, not the long marathon of mourning. This sustained state of activation is incredibly draining on the body’s resources2.
Furthermore, grief can disrupt the very architecture of our sleep. Even if you are getting hours in bed, you may not be reaching the deep, restorative stages of sleep necessary for physical and mental repair.
This is why you can wake up feeling just as tired as when you went to bed. This exhaustion is not laziness; it is a symptom of a body in overload.
How Grief Affects the Body’s Defenses
In the months following a significant loss, it is common to experience an increase in physical ailments—colds, digestive issues, flare-ups of chronic conditions. This is a direct result of the impact of stress on the immune system.
The same stress hormones that cause grief brain can also suppress our immune response, leaving us more vulnerable to infections and inflammation. The emotional pain of loss registers in the body as a threat, and the body’s inflammatory response is activated3.
In the short term, this is protective, but chronic inflammation can contribute to a wide range of health problems.
This is why tending to our physical health during grief is not a luxury, but a necessity.
It is not about “bouncing back,” but about providing the body with the fundamental support it needs—gentle nutrition, hydration, and rest—while it does the hard work of healing.
The Physical Ache of a Broken Heart
The phrase “a broken heart” is perhaps the most poetic and accurate description of grief. It is not just a figure of speech; it is a physical sensation that many people feel in the center of their chest.
This profound ache, tightness, or feeling of emptiness is the body’s literal response to emotional agony.
In extreme cases of shock and loss, a person can experience what is known as Takotsubo cardiomyopathy, or “broken heart syndrome,” a temporary condition where the heart muscle weakens. But even for those who do not experience this acute event, the physical manifestation is real.
The same surge of stress hormones that fogs the brain and weakens the immune system can also affect the cardiovascular system, causing palpitations, a racing pulse, or a constant, heavy ache.
This is your nervous system responding to trauma. The pain is not imagined. Acknowledging that your heart genuinely hurts is a profound act of self-validation and a vital step in giving your body the gentle care it requires.
The Physical Toll of a Long Goodbye
The body does not wait for a death certificate to begin grieving. For anyone who has cared for a loved one through a long illness, the physical symptoms of grief often arrive long before the final loss.
This is the heavy reality of anticipatory grief, a state of prolonged stress where the body is already marinating in the hormones of a crisis that is both happening and yet to come.
The hypervigilance of caregiving, the endless appointments, and the emotional weight of watching someone you love decline is a monumental physical burden.
The “grief brain,” the exhaustion, and the weakened immunity do not magically appear on the day of death; they are the cumulative result of months or even years of your body being in a sustained state of high alert.
This chronic stress depletes your physical reserves, meaning that when the final loss does occur, you are entering the most acute phase of grief already in a state of profound depletion.
Understanding this is crucial for caregivers, as it gives them permission to tend to their own physical well-being not as a future task, but as a present necessity.
Muscle Aches and Physical Tension
Grief has a physical weight, and our bodies are often what carry it. If you have noticed your shoulders perpetually hunched towards your ears, your jaw clenched, or a persistent ache in your lower back, you are feeling the muscular manifestation of your emotional pain.
When our nervous system is in a constant state of high alert, our muscles remain braced for a threat that never physically arrives.
This chronic tension is exhausting and can lead to a cascade of physical discomfort, from tension headaches and a stiff neck to widespread body aches that have no other clear cause4.
This is not imagined pain. It is the tangible result of your body holding the immense stress of your loss, a physical reaction to the heavy load your heart is carrying.
When the Body’s Burden Affects the Mind
The physical symptoms of grief do not exist in a vacuum; they create a challenging feedback loop that directly impacts our mental health. When your body is in a constant state of physical distress—aching, exhausted, and foggy—it is natural for your mind to feel anxious or hopeless.
The cognitive fog is not just frustrating; it can be terrifying, leading to a spiral of self-doubt and fear that you are somehow permanently broken.
The profound fatigue does more than make you tired; it can drain the world of its color and make it difficult to feel joy or motivation, feelings often associated with depression.
This creates a difficult cycle: you feel physically unwell, which makes you feel more anxious, which in turn can intensify the physical symptoms5.
It is crucial to understand that this is not a personal failing. Your anxiety or low mood is not separate from your grief; it is an extension of the immense toll it is taking on your entire being, body and soul.
Tending to Your Body with Radical Compassion
So, how do we care for ourselves when we are in the midst of this profound physical experience? The answer is not to fight it, but to soften around it. It is about practicing radical compassion for what your body is going through.
First, give yourself permission to simplify your world. Your cognitive capacity is limited right now, so it is an act of compassion to reduce the demands on it.
This may look like making simple lists, setting reminders for everything, and learning to say “no” to anything that is not absolutely essential. Protecting your energy is not selfish; it is a vital survival skill in the landscape of grief.
Next, consider how you can move gently. The idea of a strenuous workout may be overwhelming and is not what your body needs. Instead, gentle movement can be incredibly healing.
A slow walk in nature, a few minutes of simple stretching, or a restorative yoga practice can help to calm a frayed nervous system and release the physical tension that grief stores in the body. The goal is not fitness, but a gentle reconnection with yourself.
It is also crucial to nourish your body simply. When you are this exhausted, complex meal preparation is out of the question. Focus instead on simple, comforting, and nutrient-dense foods that are easy to prepare, like a warm soup, a piece of fruit, or a cup of herbal tea.
Hydration is also key, as even mild dehydration can worsen the brain fog and fatigue you are already experiencing.
Finally, embrace the idea of rest as an active verb, something that goes far beyond sleep. It is about intentionally finding moments of quiet and stillness throughout your day.
This could mean lying down for ten minutes without any distractions, sitting by a window to watch the clouds pass, or listening to a piece of calming music.
These small acts of intentional rest can be more restorative than a fitful night’s sleep, offering your nervous system a much-needed pause.
A Doula’s Role in Holding the Whole Person
As an end-of-life doula, my work often extends to supporting the bereaved. I am here to bear witness not just to the emotional pain, but to the physical reality of grief.
My role is to be a compassionate companion who can help you navigate this difficult terrain. I can help by offering practical support that frees up your precious energy—running errands, helping with simple household tasks.
I can hold a non-judgmental space for you to talk about the physical symptoms you are experiencing, validating that they are a normal and real part of your grief. Most importantly, I can be a steady presence, reminding you to be gentle with yourself and to honor the needs of your body as it heals.
Your Grief is Valid, Body and Soul
The physical symptoms of grief are not something to be pushed through or ignored. They are a profound communication from your body, telling you that it needs time, care, and immense compassion.
Listening to these signals is an act of love for yourself and an honoring of the connection you have lost6.
If you are navigating the physical and emotional journey of grief and feel you could use a supportive companion, I invite you to reach out. Please schedule a complimentary 30-minute discovery call to share your story and learn how a doula can help you find moments of peace and care in this challenging time. You do not have to walk this path alone.
- ‘The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss’ by Mary-Frances O’Connor (2022) – This book delves directly into the neuroscience of grief, explaining what happens in our brains when we grieve and why it feels the way it does. ↩︎
- ‘Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle’ by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., and Amelia Nagoski, D.M.A. (2019) – This book provides a clear, science-backed explanation of the stress cycle and how unprocessed stress (like grief) gets stuck in the body, leading to physical and emotional exhaustion. ↩︎
- ‘The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma’ by Bessel van der Kolk, M.D. (2014) – While focused on trauma, its insights into how the body holds onto overwhelming experiences are directly applicable to the physiological impact of grief. ↩︎
- ‘Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma’ by Peter A. Levine (1997) – A foundational text on how the body processes trauma and stress, offering insights into the physiological responses discussed in the article. ↩︎
- ‘Anxiety: The Missing Stage of Grief: A Revolutionary Approach to Understanding and Healing the Impact of Loss’ by Claire Bidwell Smith (2018) – Explores the deep connection between grief and anxiety, validating the physical symptoms of a nervous system on high alert. ↩︎
- ‘It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand’ by Megan Devine (2017) – While not strictly scientific, this book does an excellent job of validating the physical and emotional reality of grief, countering societal pressure to “get over it.” ↩︎
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