In the immediate aftermath of a death, love arrives in the form of casseroles. It comes as a flurry of phone calls, a bouquet of flowers, a rush of well-meaning visitors. This initial wave of support is a beautiful, necessary embrace, a community wrapping its arms around someone in their most acute moment of pain. But then, as the weeks turn into months, the calls become less frequent.
The visitors stop coming. The casseroles in the freezer run out, and a profound silence begins to settle in. This is the moment when the real work of grief often begins, and it is precisely when a grieving person needs support the most.
The truth is, grief is not a week-long event; it is a marathon. The world, however, often treats it like a sprint. The fear of saying the wrong thing, of “reminding” them of their pain, or simply not knowing what to do can cause even the most loving friends to pull away.
As experts Kelsey Crowe and Emily McDowell point out, our fear of awkwardness often leads to inaction1. These words are for you—the friend who wants to show up but is not sure how.
It is about moving beyond the initial gestures and learning to offer the quiet, steady, long-term support that is the true bedrock of healing.
Why the Long Haul is the Hardest
The first few weeks after a loss are often a blur of shock, funeral arrangements, and administrative tasks. A grieving person is running on adrenaline, surrounded by a flurry of activity.
It is in the quiet months that follow—the third month, the sixth, the first anniversary—that the full weight of the absence truly lands. The world has returned to its normal rhythm, but for your friend, the music has stopped.
This is when the loneliness is most acute, and the feeling of being forgotten can compound the pain of the loss itself, a reality Nora McInerny speaks to with raw honesty2.
Understanding this timeline is the first step to offering meaningful support. Your consistent presence, long after everyone else has moved on, is a powerful message that they are not alone and their grief is not an inconvenience.
Beyond “Let Me Know If You Need Anything”
This phrase is the most common and well-intentioned offer of support, yet it is rarely helpful. For a person navigating the cognitive fog and physical exhaustion of grief, the task of identifying a need, formulating a request, and reaching out for help is often an insurmountable burden.
They likely do not even know what they need, or they may feel too guilty to ask. True support anticipates the need and removes the burden of asking. Instead of a vague offer, try making a specific, low-pressure suggestion that is easy to accept or decline.
As Megan Devine powerfully argues, the goal is not to cheer someone up, but to be willing to witness their pain3.
The Ministry of Showing Up
Meaningful long-term support is not about grand gestures; it is about small, consistent acts of gentle care. It is about being a quiet, steady presence in your friend’s life, reminding them that they are still seen and loved.
The goal is to “lean in” with concrete actions, a concept Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant explore as a key to resilience4. This means moving beyond words and into a practice of gentle, active companionship.
Offer the Gift of Normalcy
Grief can be an incredibly isolating experience, making a person feel separate from the rest of the world. One of the most powerful gifts you can offer is an invitation back into the flow of ordinary life, without any pressure to perform happiness.
An invitation to do something completely normal can be a lifeline. Try, “I am going for a walk on Saturday morning, would you like to join?” or “I am ordering pizza and watching a movie tonight, feel free to come over and we do not even have to talk.”
These simple offers communicate that you still see them as a whole person, not just as their grief, and that you are comfortable with their silence as much as their conversation.
The Power of Remembering
As the world moves on, a grieving person often feels that the memory of their loved one is fading from the collective consciousness. Actively remembering with them is a profound act of love.
Make a note of the important dates on your own calendar: the birthday of the person who died, their wedding anniversary, the anniversary of the death. On these days, a simple text that says, “I am thinking of you and [loved one’s name] today,” is an incredibly powerful act of remembrance.
It lets your friend know that their loved one is not forgotten and validates the wave of grief they are likely experiencing, creating a shared space of honor for the person they miss so deeply.
Hold Space for Their Stories
A grieving person’s greatest fear is often that their loved one will be forgotten—that their stories, their laughter, and their essence will disappear.
One of the most beautiful gifts you can offer is your willingness to be a scribe for their memories, to hear their stories, even the same ones, over and over again. Do not be afraid to say the person’s name.
Ask gentle, open-ended questions, like “What is a favorite memory that has been on your mind lately?” or “I was just thinking about the time we all…” By holding space for their memories, you are helping to keep their loved one’s presence alive, which is an essential part of finding meaning after loss, as David Kessler describes5.
The Grace of Practical Help
The “grief brain” is real. The mental and emotional exhaustion of grieving can make even the smallest everyday tasks feel overwhelming. Offering practical help is a tangible way to lighten their load. The key is to be specific.
Instead of a vague “What can I do?” say, “I am running to the grocery store, what five things can I pick up for you?” or “I have a free hour on Tuesday, can I come over and help you with some laundry or walk the dog?”
This kind of support removes a real burden without demanding any social or emotional energy in return, a quiet act of service that can feel like the deepest form of care.
A Doula’s Role in Supporting the Entire Circle of Care
Sometimes, even with the best intentions, the dynamics of friendship and family can make it difficult to know how to best offer support. A bereavement doula can be a resource not just for the grieving person, but for their entire circle of care.
A doula can provide guidance to friends and family, offering education on the grieving process and helping you understand what your loved one might be experiencing.
We can help you brainstorm meaningful ways to show up, find the right words when you feel lost, and navigate the complexities of supporting someone through a long-term journey of grief.
While supporting the supporters, we help ensure that the grieving person is held by a compassionate, informed, and resilient community.
The Endurance of Love
To be a friend to someone in the deep winter of their grief is a sacred act. It is not about having the perfect words or fixing the unfixable. It is about the quiet endurance of your love.
It is about your willingness to sit in the silence, to bear witness to the pain, and to gently, consistently, remind them that they are not walking this path alone.
The way love and memory can be carried and tended to over years is a journey in itself6. Your steady presence is the most powerful comfort you can offer, a quiet light in the long, dark night of sorrow.
If you are supporting a friend or family member and wish you had a guide to help you navigate this journey with more confidence and compassion, I am here to help.
I invite you to schedule a complimentary discovery call to explore how we can work together to ensure your loved one feels held and supported, now and for the long road ahead.
- Crowe, Kelsey, and Emily McDowell. “There Is No Good Card for This: What to Say and Do When Life Is Scary, Awful, and Unfair to People You Love.” An incredibly practical and illustrated guide that offers scripts and real-world advice for showing up when you are afraid of saying the wrong thing. ↩︎
- McInerny, Nora. “The Hot Young Widows Club: Lessons on Survival from the Front Lines of Grief.” With humor and raw honesty, this book tackles the loneliness and absurdity of life after loss, making it a validating read for both the bereaved and those who want to understand. ↩︎
- Devine, Megan. “It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand.” This book is essential for anyone supporting a grieving person, as it powerfully reframes support not as cheering someone up, but as being willing to witness their pain without trying to fix it. ↩︎
- Sandberg, Sheryl, and Adam Grant. “Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy.” While it covers resilience broadly, this book offers specific, research-backed advice on how friends, family, and colleagues can provide better support to those navigating profound loss. ↩︎
- Kessler, David. “Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief.” Kessler’s work is invaluable for understanding that a key part of long-term healing is a person’s ability to find meaning. Supporters can help by creating space for the stories and memories that build that meaning. ↩︎
- Locke, Tembi. “From Scratch: A Memoir of Love, Sicily, and Finding Home.” A beautiful memoir that illustrates the long arc of grief and how love, memory, and connection are carried and nurtured for years, long after the casseroles are gone. ↩︎
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